Shove it under the rug November 12, 2009

I need a cloudy day.  Believe it or not, I am more inclined to go outside when its cloudy and rainy than blue sky’s and sunny.  This does not make me suicidal.  This does not mean I’m going into depression.  It simply means, I love it when the sky has texture, and character and pockets of light filtering through those puffy clouds.  Its my favorite thing to shoot.

A few weeks ago  I went shooting with friends in the mountains and I guess almost forgot, dare I say, how much I love taking pictures.  I haven’t been able to go for awhile.  Either too busy, too tired, or the weather just isn’t what I had hoped for.  What a lame excuse.

Ok so ever start writing a post and not know where its going????? Haha, I guess you could say that’s me right now. I think I’m just babbling.

I think I really hurt a friend.  I didn’t mean to, I think I was just so pushed to the edge that I fell and exploded.  Ever have those people in your life where you think, “we are going to be really good friends, forever”…?  Then something happens between the two of you and things just aren’t the same.  I tried to shake it, but its one of those things where I’m almost too weirded out to deal with it.  I guess thats my fault.  I really fail at letting people know how I’m feeling when I feel wronged.  Or when something’s bugging me, I tend to push it under the rug because I’m so afraid of dealing with it.  I’m so afraid of confrontation.  I’m so afraid of what that other person will feel.  And then they never know, so they keep doing it, over and over and over, and then the frustration in me builds and builds and builds.  Soon there’s a bump in the rug that everyone is wondering about, but afraid to touch it.

This is a problem and a bad habit, I’m very aware.  But I’m still scared.  I don’t know if I can talk it out with said individual.  I think the main issue is….I have powerful waterworks that are simple to run.  Haha, or basically I cry easy.  For example, every time I try to talk to someone about how awesome God is, I can’t, because I get all choked up and emotional and the words don’t come out.  So when I think someone and I have a hard conversation to have, before I can even start to express myself, I’m already standing in a puddle.  Sometimes I feel like it makes me feel weak and vulnerable.  But maybe to some people, I look sincere and truly care about the situation.  Which is more than 100% true.

Writing this blog post doesn’t even change anything.  I seriously doubt I’m going to express myself.  When I would see said person, it would make the night horrible and its my one night a week I get to enjoy the company of my friends, and that would ruin it.  So why spoil a good night.  Gosh, thats so selfish.  I’m just battling with myself now.

The saga continues.

Calvin & Hobbes did it October 31, 2009

I’m so sick of this same place.  I’m sick of not having an adventure.  I’m sick of redundant days.  So this will fix it all: ….

I moving to the Yukon.

My eyes October 26, 2009

Yesterday I took a trip to unknown places hidden in the mountains with to photo friends.  We just explored what we could and took some shots.  (Pictures not drinks.)

As we drove around and hiked around and looked around and stood at the edge of cliffs and looked down, all I could think of is, “Awesome Father, thank you for my eyes.”  It was snowing, and as the day progressed it picked up, which made it all the better.  The trees were frosted with a dust of white and the sky was gray and cloudy, full of texture.  It was so beautiful.  If I could I’d take every single person I knew to that spot.  But I have no idea how to get there.  ;)

Here’s some pictures, which don’t give it justice.  But I tried to capture the essence of what God made, and what I was given to see.

Worth The Wait, Sound Effects Included October 24, 2009

I’ve been feeling kind of down lately.  In certain areas.  Tonight we were sitting at the cheesecake factory.  I didn’t order cheesecake like everyone else.  I ordered a Godiva Chocolate Brownie Sunday.  The waiter would bring out slice after slice to everyone at the table.  Everyone had their dessert except for me.

Funny, this is not the first time this has happened to me.  It didn’t really mean anything, I was just like oh, look, no chocolate in front of me.  Yo neccesito chocolat.  I silently had a pitty party for myself.  Around the lines of, gosh, is everything in my life gonna come last for me?  Do I seriously have to wait for everything?  What about me?  Why not me first?  Why not me now?

Finally the waiter comes back to the table, with only my plate in hand.  On this huge oval plate, laid a slice of thick rich brownie next to creamy vanilla bean ice cream and whipped cream, repeated twice.  It was huge!  Topped with more whipped cream, hot fudge pooled at the bottom and drizzled all over, with two chocolate squares stuck on top.  It was a masterpiece.  The waiter even made a sound effect when he gave it to me.  It was just that amazing looking.

I can’t remember who at the table said it, I kind of think it was my dad, which makes it even better, but the words were, “Well thats sure worth the wait!”

I sat there infatuated with my sweet treat, and started thinking about this whole scenario in my head.  All the things that I had just been thinking, the great surprise when I finally saw my dessert, and the comment, “worth the wait.”

Waiting is so hard.  There are so many things I’m waiting for right now.  An interview to my desired management position, a chance to see my best friend, wondering if I’ll ever be able to launch a photography career, seeing my work posted in a coffee shop, and the one that really plaques my mind, a relationship.  I don’t know why I focus so hard on something that tears me apart.

As we were driving home on highway 93, I laid against the window and stared at the stars and just thanked God that I had this moment to see how beautiful the stars are and how glorious He is.  I had a God moment, and realized, “the one” thats out there waiting for me, is my Godiva Chocolate Brownie Sunday.  He’s perfect, and everything I’d hoped for and more.  Complete with sound effects. ;) And he’s well worth the wait.  I don’t know who he is, but God does and thats all that matters.

Thanks for reading….whoever you are.

God’s time, not mine October 20, 2009

I’m trying so hard to trust God in this storm, but its so hard not taking control and trying to fix it myself.  I know waiting on Him to fix this is best, but I’m getting impatient.

Ever get use to talking to someone every single day and then something happens have you have a stretch of silence?  The silence is killing me.

Revelation Song October 12, 2009

Worthy is the, Lamb who was slain,
Holy holy is He.
Sing a new song, to Him who sits on
Heaven’s mercy seat

Holy holy holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will, adore You

Clothed in Rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lighting, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
To You the only wise King

Holy holy holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will, adore you

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder
At the mention of your name
Jesus Your name is power
Breath, and living water
Such a marvelous mystery

Holy holy holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will, adore you

Sinking in Grace October 5, 2009

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

Not My Place September 22, 2009

So much happened today.  And I feel like I have a lot to write about, but I have no idea where to start.

First of all, I’m quite a fan of having coffee with a friend I haven’t been able to sit down and talk with for awhile.  Her advice is so great.  Her love for Jesus just beams from her.  I look up to her more than she knows.  She gave me a lot to think about.

I took a drive up to the mountains too.  It snowed on me.  Words can’t describe how peaceful and happy I was.  I was with my camera.  I was alone.  It was quiet.  And it was so, so beautiful.  Here are some pictures I took while I was up there.

I really enjoyed today.  I really enjoyed this weekend.  I didn’t have to work for 4 days in a row.  That spoiled me, and going to work tomorrow will be hard.  Not complaining at all, I just wish I could have more days like today.  I’m excited for another cold cloudy day tomorrow.  I’d be okay if it kept it up.

I had a lot more to say.  I had so much to say on Sunday.  I had so much to say this morning.  But I feel so blank right now.

God is in control.  He is.  Not me.  Not my friends.  Not my family.  Not my manager.  Not the world.  Not anyone.  Him.  Him alone.  Its His decision.  Its up to Him.  ”God’s got a plan, understanding isn’t my place.”  -Sanctus Real

——————

Lately I’ve been feeling a little down on myself.  Dance class hasn’t turned out to what I had hoped.  I learn more from youtube videos than my teacher.  When I’m with my friends I freeze and can’t remember anything I learned or taught myself.  I got frustrated, I wanted to give up.  I got upset and mad at myself.  And I stood there in the garage, still, for about 10 minutes, starring off.  I finally “woke up,”  turned the music back on and went at it again.  All the sudden, I understood.  All the sudden, it became natural.  And now i can’t stop gliding.  I finally learned how to move my feet.  Today I figured out the “science” behind popping.  Let me just say, dancing is so much harder than you think.  Some people make it look so easy.  But when you try it, you realize you’re carrying your own weight.  Not so easy anymore.  When I finally figured it out, I felt really good about myself.  ”Hey, I can do it after all!”

The night of that day when I finally figured it out, I read this verse.  ”I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Psalm 139:14

If it was easy, anyone could do it.  Right?

My hope is not in Facebook. September 16, 2009

So I decided to delete my facebook account.  Technically its still there, and if I logged back on I could reactivate it.  But for right now I’m taking a break.  I’ve been wanting to do this for the past 2 months now and something always stopped me.  I made some silly excuse not to do it.  ”But I’ll lose all my friends!”  ”I won’t get invited to the parties.”  ”How will I know what’s going on in other peoples lives?”  ”How will I know what’s going on period?”  What it really comes down to is this;  the real friends will stick.  The important parties won’t forget about me.  The right people will stay in contact.  The rest will fall into place and I’ll find out eventually, it just won’t be via Facebook mobile, or email update.

I have found that Facebook is sucking the life out of me.  There is much more better things to do than to waste pointless hours sitting in front of a computer.  Weather its taking a walk or run, reading a book, picking up a hobby, practicing dance, or most importantly, pulling out the Word and spending time with God.  And that, is the main point of my action.  I need to, I want to, re-meet God on a whole new level.  I’ll be writing a lot more on my blog, which I have neglected.  Writing about what God has shown me.

A passage I’ve been looking at.  {Psalms 37:1-4} : “Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away.  Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.  Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Verse 9 says:  ”for evil men will be cut off but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.”

First I battled what the difference was between Hope and Faith.  I wondered if you have hope in something, do you lose faith?  How can you say “I hope this will happen from God” instead of saying “I have faith this will happen from God.”  I remember one time my pastor speaking of his wife’s faith and how she just expects God to act in her life.  She expects God to make miracles.  I thought about this and asked my dad about it.  He helped me understand the difference and what it means to put your hope in something and having faith.

When we fret about something and we worry, what do we put our hope in for it to be worked out?  I’ve been worrying about one of my friendships lately.  I put all my hope in a friend that they will come to me, instead of putting my hope in God that he will work it out.  My work has stressed me out a lot lately.  And I hope that my old manager really does come back in October like planned, instead of putting my hope in God that he will give us the manager we need.  I want someone special in my life and I hope that he will come along, instead of putting my hope in God that he will prepare me for that person.

I think Facebook held a lot of my hope.  My hope that I’ll get attention with witty status updates.  My hope that I’ll get compliments on my new photography.  My hope that I’ll make better friendships.

“Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”  Psalm 42:5

So my facebook is gone.  And I put my hope in God because I have faith that He can work in my life bigger and better if I step out of the way.

rockstar September 14, 2009

I am not the stage hand to the rock star.  I am a child of God.  Once I step out of the way and stop trying to control things on my own, He will fight my battles, because I am His Rock Star.